In the Family, One may begin to occupy
the position of the Black Sheep by degrees. It may begin with a
slight and subtle distinction: One is envied by siblings; One is
slightly favored by the Mother; One is mildly rejected by the
Father; One manifests a recessive family trait in the body or in the
psyche. One may also occupy the position of the Black Sheep
immediately, born a second sibling and Biblically rejected by the
elder, or born an unwanted child whose very existence is a reminder
of violence, folly, or regret. The initial impulse of rejection
originates in the Family, since One's innate need is for acceptance.
This impulse first being felt, One's
natural inclination is to reject the condition of rejection, and to
insist upon the natural condition, which is acceptance. This second
rejection may be felt by the Family as One's rejection of the Family.
Rejection has now compounded upon rejection, displacing the natural
condition of acceptance. Now rejection becomes the dominant pattern
of the family relationship, and the condition of acceptance is lost,
becoming only an unfulfilled longing, a nameless ghost that haunts
One's image of the Family. Despite its unnaturalness, rejection
becomes the only pattern that One knows. One has accepted the
condition of rejection.
Once accepting the condition of
rejection, One begins to act in the role of the rejected. One may,
consciously or unconsciously, adopt stances and mannerisms that
contradict the norms of the Family. In a working class family, One may
adopt a stance of affected erudition. In an intellectual family, One
may become averse to school and learning. In an abstinent family,
One may carry out hedonistic indulgences. In a family rife with
addictions, one may become vehemently abstinent. The particulars of
opposition don't matter. They may, in an immediate sense, be
damaging or beneficial, but the deepest act of self-harm was already
present: It is the acceptance of the condition of rejection.
As One acts in the role of the
rejected, One begins to give concrete form to rejection. The Family
can use the acts of opposition to justify its rejection. The Family
can now claim that the rejection originated in the rejected, and can
relieve itself of the responsibility for the rejection. The Family
devolves responsibility onto the rejected. One is blamed for One's
own rejection.
As rejection and blame compound upon
themselves, the Family may enter a condition wherein One becomes so
rejected and blamed, and has become a repository of so much negative
judgment, and has undertaken such powerful acts of opposition, that
One becomes the alien other. The alien other is so completely
rejected and detached from the Family that it is not even conceived
of as human, let alone as a member of the Family. In the condition
of the alien other, One becomes a receptacle of projection for the
dark matter of the Family. In whatever way the Family has defined
itself, the alien other is defined as the opposite. A family that
creates for itself a strong mythic identity must, in the process,
reject whatever is outside that identity. This rejected material
becomes incorporated as the Family Shadow. Values, religion,
politics, philosophy, language, all find their opposites embodied in
the alien other. As One has accepted the role of the rejected, One
becomes complicit in One's own construction as the alien other,
accepting the projections and judgments of the Family. One has
become the incarnation of the Shadow of the Family. One has become
the avatar of the Devil.
The identity of a family is crafted in
story. At gatherings, the Family retells old stories that are well
known to all members, in an act that does not convey information, but
affirms identity. Stories both reflect and construct the characters
of the Family members. As One evolves from the rejected family
member to the alien other, and One becomes the recipient of the
shadow material of the Family, the stories surrounding One begin to
reinforce that image. In the mythology of the Family, One has become
the archetype of the Family Shadow: The Black Sheep.
Like all mythological images, the Black
Sheep is charged with meaning at multiple levels. Superficially, it
stands for a member of an otherwise strongly homogeneous group that
nevertheless stands apart from the group. There are well-known
psychological studies that explore the Black Sheep as a metaphor for
group identity, and the threat posed to group identity by an insider
who rejects the group identity – a threat that is greater even than that of outsiders who reject the group identity. At other mythological
levels, the sheep is Black because it is the recipient of the Shadow;
It is the obscure, unknown, and incomprehensible alien other. It is
a Sheep because it is a Sacrifice.
The Sacrifice of the Black Sheep is the
next phase in One's development within the Family. One is cut off,
One is sent away or moves away, One is unwelcome, One is disinherited
and disowned. The Sacrifice of the Black Sheep is, initially and
superficially, gratifying to the Family. Having become the recipient
of all of the Family's negative energy and judgments, the Sheep is
burned, and the Family is thereby cleansed and purified. But this
satisfaction is not naturally enduring, because the negative contents
of the Family were not really disposed of through the mechanism of
projection and sacrifice. The negative contents originated in the
Family, and continue to reside there. They will emerge again. But
it is possible for the Family to remain in a state of contentment after
the Sacrifice of the Black Sheep, if the Family can maintain a
sufficient barrier of denial to reinforce its mythic identity.
However, such a family is prevented, by that very barrier of denial,
from healthy and meaningful growth. The Sacrifice is comforting, but
also crippling.
The Sacrifice of the Black Sheep is a
loss to the Family as well as to the Black Sheep. The Black Sheep loses its natural connection to the Family, and lives isolated except to the extent
that One can create a new family of One's own and strive to interrupt
the cycles of rejection and alienation that have characterized One's
birth family. But the Family has lost more than a member. For in
the Shadow resides content that is invaluable to the growth and depth
of the Family. Without it, the Family cannot grow, and is ensnared
in a condition of arrested development. For this reason, Jung
teaches that in the cave of the Shadow, there is a terrible dragon,
but also a treasure of great value. Among the qualities rejected by
the Family as it defined its identity are those that are necessary
for growth and development. For what is growth but to become what
one was not? Growth requires acceptance of what has been formerly
rejected. A family that has highly conservative values may find
itself bound and restricted by its own conservatism, and may be
unable to progress to an improved situation without the ability to
tolerate difference. A family that has extremely tolerant values may
find itself persistently harmed because, without some level of
discrimination, it accepts the unacceptable. Where will the
conservative family find the tolerance it needs to grow, and where
will the tolerant family find the rigidity it needs to protect
itself? Where has that gone that the Family decided not to be then,
but that it needs to become what it needs to be now? It has been
projected into the shadow. If the Family has committed the Sacrifice
of the Black Sheep, it is burned and gone forever. The Family is
bound like a tree with its branches in the earth.
The alternative to the Sacrifice of the
Black Sheep is the discipline of acceptance. As a human being needs
to embrace the shadow in order to grow, and in order to avoid being
ruled by its distorted manifestations, so must a family. Acceptance,
tolerance, love, and forgiveness are the attitudes we need to embrace
the Shadow in ourselves and in our families. For This One or That
One, the time may be too late – the alienation too complete, the
Sacrifice already made. In that case, One can only proceed with
diligence to interrupt, rather than perpetuate, the generational
cycles of rejection. One can also pronounce and name the Sacrifice
within One's birth family – a pronouncement that, by the same
mechanisms that gave rise to the Black Sheep in the first place, is
almost certain to be rejected – but which nevertheless at least
allows One the authentic completion that comes with speaking the truth.
In the best of circumstances, we may
recognize the process before it runs away with a member of the
Family. We may change rejection to acceptance, blame to forgiveness,
wounding to healing. But do we have the strength, the courage, and
the discipline to embrace our Shadow and change the course of our
lives? The dragon is fierce, but the treasure is of great value.
